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Voicemail lost my jello phone in the linen closet

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Lynne D. Schwabe Lynne D. Schwabe

Lynne D. Schwabe was owner of Schwabe-May of Charleston, ran her own marketing consulting firm and is a nationally recognized motivational speaker. She has been featured in The New York Times, The Washington Post, Women's Wear Daily, and has appeared on CNBC's Power Lunch. She is now director of development for the National Youth Science Foundation. She can be reached at schwabestatejournal@gmail.com.

I am of an age that makes it socially acceptable to be a Luddite. I am not a total Luddite; I use a computer, an iPhone and an iPad, although not necessarily well. However, the automated voicemail at my office has me stumped, as it garbles any message almost beyond recognition. To add insult to injury, I get the messages on my cellphone as well as via email. So I can hear the gobbledegook, then I can read it too! Really! Technology at work!

Take, for example, this message I received yesterday: Hello, this is Nancy. It's received your email and wondered how big how big is it because if dad comes of course I'd love for him to stay there. Family of 5 how Vegas is spouse.

Luckily I knew who Nancy is and could call her. But try to figure these out:

 

  • With you had notified us of that delegates probably the use fine stamp would be in June. We would need to house 20 sticks and we are having out of town gas at that time. We will I'm able to participate this by Steve this long list for next year Frank.
  • This is your personal inferred discussed Friday.
  • Hi my name is Bonnie when I'm the deli and more than that and then I am going.
  • You anyway larry look on thanks the nice note. Cut the briefcase came on your previous, so I wanna ask your wife all to myself with long and I regret hello just crazy. We was that call.
  • I was wrong when I said was ok if you get those Sally account of them and you the whole quote. It turns out the trouble to your. I don't do it.
  • Ellis Senior Associate Pastor from the ocean.
  • Model pond sweating maybe use towels? Talk about gym rings total exhaust hunky guy. Bring bags.
  • Down with the newspaper and east Tennessee coming 1 of the deli it's bill feature story on her from harden valley academy palmer cleeson give information. Tried 1 number I didn't it wouldn't go through I need to my name is Alice won't forget this newspaper. 
  • We've been getting to Mr. Phillip the warner 16704 pharmacy and way admin Oklahoma.

 

I tried to test the system by sending my boss this message: I've locked myself in the linen closet and I'm afraid I might asphyxiate. Delivered, this message translated to: I lost my jello phone in the linen closet and I afraid I might add 58.

So, at present I know from my messages that someone needs to house 20 sticks and that someone has gas. I know that Bonnie is at a deli and about to leave. I understand that someone wants my wife all to himself (I might mention I don't have a wife) who might just be crazy. I get that I don't do something that gives trouble to your Sally account and that your personal inferred will be discussed Friday. Finally, some pastor is or might be in trouble in the ocean.

All of this gives me pause. I mean, how can I call up someone and ask about his out-of-town gas? And should I disabuse Larry who wants my wife of that notion but refer him to someone else? I want to give good customer service, but untangling these messages is giving me a headache. Of course, I'll call the Hunky Guy number, being interested in all things Hunky. Hope the bags I'm supposed to bring are not the ones under my eyes. As for down with newspaper and East Tennessee and harden valley academy palmer cleeson, I just give up. And the call back number from this message was 32 digets. Impossible!

I pray that voicemail's vaunted self-correction system kicks in because I really hope that needed adjustments to the system are made overall. I am voting for understandable English. Because as my voicemail would say now: I mostly lick your corpulence and hope that this time you will opt to hit and cake denuded colorectal tires Istanbul.